Alexandria and A Pair of Mismatched Socks
A One-Act Play by Alexa R. McGinn
Alexandria - Absentminded, forgetful girl who’s stuck at the grump relatives’ table of Vincent’s funeral dinner. Wears a black dress that goes to the knees and a red leather jacket that’s too big for her. She also wears a pair of mismatched socks with black shoes.
Sydney - Snobby and bossy girl who is constantly planning things and on her phone. Wears a fancy black dress and stilettos.
Vincent - The old rich guy that died. Uncle of Alexandria and Sydney. Deceased.
Aunt Myrna – A nosey and obese woman who looks more like a man with pillows under his clothes than anything. Aunt of Alexandria and Sydney, sister of Vincent.
Greggy Jones - The long time best friend of the late and great Vincent and who slowly gets drunker through the night. Is wearing a dress shirt and pants with a red leather jacket that is almost identical to Alexandria’s.
Uncle Ted - A practically mute old man who is married to Myrna. Has a cane when he stands up.
Uncle Frank - The husband of Myrna and is eating his food through out the play. Wears an old suit.
Aunt Peggy - The kind of person, who just picks at everybody’s flaws, is rather rude and very catty. Wears a long black dress and too much lipstick. It is not known how she is related to Vincent.
Alexandria is stuck at the funeral of her late and great uncle, Vince, at the table with the worst of her relatives. It seems like everybody else at the dinner is having a good time remembering her uncle’s life, but she’s miserable and stuck with miserable people but she must try to make the most of it.
Plays opens on a stage. There is a table with five people sitting around; Myrna, Ted, Peggy, Frank, and Alexandria. Frank is sitting on the end hunched over his plate and eating his found. Ted is sitting besides Myrna and listening to her mimed blabbering. Alexandria is sandwiched between Peggy and Myrna, very grumpy. Everybody is frozen while Alexandria recites her soliloquy.
Alexandria: (Soliloquy) I really really really don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be sitting here at this table and I don’t want to listening to Aunt Peggy nitpick everybody she lays eyes on. I don’t want to be sitting here having to answer Aunt Myrna’s nosey answers. I’m miserable with these miserable people.
Uncle Vincent wouldn’t have wanted that. He would have wanted me to be having a great time with my family and friends, celebrating the beautiful life of Vincent. Instead I’m stuck here
He was a legend, Uncle Vincent. In the 80s and 90s he ran a bar in Chicago, and then he sold the bar and traveled the world. He would always tell the best stories. He had this one that he used to tell about when he was in Japan and had gotten off at the wrong train stop and had to navigate his way through Tokyo with only a few Yen and no ability to speak Japanese. Long story short, he met these group of punk kids that helped him get back to his hotel, after going over to one of the kid’s grandmothers from dinner.
(Sighs and looks around at the table)
This is not how he would have wanted to be celebrated.
Alexandria ends her soliloquy and everybody starts move
Aunt Peggy: What a hideous shade of black, don’t you think Alexandria?
(Pointing off stage to somebody else.)
I mean look at it.
Alexandria: Of course it is. All shades of black are hideous.
Aunt Peggy: But this is an especially shade of black.
Alexandria: Aunt Peggy, can you please not do this right now. It’s a funereal; please try to show some respect.
Aunt Myrna: (Jabs Alexandria in the ribs and leans in)
Alexandria, darling, you do realize that your socks aren’t matching, right?
Alexandria: Yes I realize that!
Aunt Myrna: And why is that?
Alexandria: I didn’t have enough time to find another pair. I lost my luggage on the plane and this is all I have with me.
Sydney rushes left with a phone to her ear and yelling at the person on the phone. Everybody freezes and Alexandria starts her aside.
Alexandria: That’s my sister, the Queen of Pretty Pink and Kitty Heels, Sydney. She’s the successful one; she’s a lawyer or something important. She’s also the Queen of Planning, and when she plans, everything must be followed by her rules, or else. I’m sure she planned this funeral.
Sydney: Michael! I told you! You were meant to fax the copies to the client-
(cut off by the phone before getting very angry)
What do you mean you didn’t copy the papers? You were meant-
(cut off again)
You know what! Don’t call me till you’ve sorted that out!
(Hangs up and huffs)
Sorry about that, how are you all? How’s your food?
Uncle Ted: This salad is hurting my teeth!
Sydney: How is that even possible?
(Sydney’s phone begins to ring again.)
I got to take this.
(Picks up phone)
Sally! This better be good news! Oh and Alexandria, your socks aren’t matching.
Aunt Peggy: (looks under the table and gasps)
Oh Alexandria! This is your uncle’s funeral, could you have been a little more…formal.
Uncle Ted, if you want, I can take your salad.
Uncle Ted: What? What did she say?
Aunt Myrna: She wants your salad!
Uncle Ted: Oh thank you Alexis.
(Hands her the plate)
Alexandria: It’s Alexandria….but that’s fine. Thank you Uncle Ted.
Uncle Ted: What’s that Alexis?
Alexandria: (sighs and then yells across the table)
Uncle Ted: It’s all right darling.
Aunt Myrna: So Alexandria, its been so long since we’ve last talked. What’s going on in your life? Do you have a job? Do you have a boyfriend? Where are you living now?
Well I was living in Paris on a student exchange program at my university. That’s been good. I think I’m picking up French...
Aunt Peggy: Ooooh! Say something in French!
Alexandria: Ah….like what?
Aunt Peggy: Just anything!
Alexandria: Alright. Fine.
Alexandria opens her mouth to speak, but inside Greggy Jones enters left. He is holding a bottle of liquor, his tie is undone and he is wearing a red leather jacket.
Greggy Jones: Well look at that, like Alexandria is all grown up. How are you kiddo?
Everybody freezes and Alexandria starts her second aside.
Alexandria: This is Greggy Jones, Vincent’s best friend. They go waaaay back, like diapers. Greggy was always around when Vincent was around. They practically raised me. Greggy co-owned the bar they had in the 80s and 90s. I like to tell people that Greggy is apart of the mob, he isn’t but they seemed to buy it.
Everybody unfreezes and Alexandria stands from her seat and hugs Greggy Jones
Greggy Jones: You look good in your Vincent’s jacket. It’s almost like you’ve finally grown into it.
Thanks Uncle Greggy. How are you doing?
Greggy Jones: Right now, I can’t tell.
(Holds up his bottle)
I’ll feel worse tomorrow, but the hangover will be even worse.
Alexandria: Yeah I know what you mean.
Greggy Jones: How are you enjoying your darling relatives?
Uncle Ted: Alexis! Your socks don’t match sweety.
I know Uncle Ted. I know.
(Turns back to Greggy Jones)
I lost most of my luggage at the airport so I only have what I have.
Greggy Jones: Rough time getting here?
Alexandria: You have no idea.
Greggy Jones: It’s all right kiddo, why don’t you come to the kids’ table and talk to some fun people.
Alexandria: Yes please!
Alexandria and Greggy Jones go to exit the stage left, but are stopped by Sydney)
Sydney: Um…Uncle Jones, what are you doing?
Greggy Jones: Princess Sydney, long time no see. How are you?
(Goes in to hug Sydney)
Sydney: (Evades Greggy Jones’ hug)
Uncle Jones, why aren’t you at your table? And why do you have beer on you? Alcoholic beverages aren’t to be served till after dinner! How did you get this?
Greggy Jones: I brought this with me.
Sydney: You brought outside alcohol!
(Snatches bottle from Greggy Jones)
GO BACK TO YOUR TABLE!
Greggy Jones: Whoa! Sydney, it’s okay!
Sydney: NO it’s not okay! You aren’t going along with the schedule!
Alexandria: Sydney, it’s fine!
Sydney: Oh no! It’s not fine! It is not okay! Go back to your designated tables till after Dinner! You two can talk all you want then.
Greggy Jones: Sydney-
Alexandria: Greggy just go, we’ll talk later.
Greggy Jones sighs and exits left
Alexandria: What are you doing? You need to calm down Sydney.
Sydney: Alexandria go sit back down, can’t you see I’m too busy to deal with this right now? I have a funeral to deal with right now!
Alexandria: Exactly! That-
Sydney: Alexandria, just please.
Alexandria: (Huffs and sits back down and starts to angrily eat her meal)
Aunt Myrna: It’s all right sweetheart, she’s very busy with a job and all. She’s a lawyer after all.
Alexandria: YES! I know! I know she’s busy and she has a great big job with a big fat salary. She’s successful and great! She has nice things and shoes and her own apartment!
Aunt Myrna: It’s not like that dearie.
Alexandria: Yes it is! Yes it does matter! Everybody’s listening to what she wants but did we ever think about what Uncle Vincent wanted?
Aunt Peggy: Sweetheart! This is what Vincent would have wanted. He would have wanted all his family together in one place. You know how much he loved family!
Alexandria: Yes! But he was wanted them all to be happy! And how are you even related to Vincent, Aunt Peggy?
Aunt Peggy begins to speak.
Sydney: Attention! Attention everybody! Now that your dinner is over, you may now mingle while dessert is set up.
Uncle Ted: Ice cream hurts my teeth!
Sydney: Well good thing we aren’t having that!
Uncle Frank: Is it sweet? Because I can’t eat sweet things past four o’clock.
Sydney: Don’t worry, we all know about your delusional diabetes.
(Everybody snickers except for Alexandria, who’s upset.)
We’ve made sure that all your food is specialized for you.
(Everybody continues to snicker)
Uncle Ted: (Quietly) what did she say?
Extras and people began to move around stage, quietly conversing. Greggy Jones enters, clearly hiding something in his jacket. He’s looking around cautiously as he moves towards Alexandria. Alexandria sits down on the front of the stage.
Greggy Jones: Hey….pssst…..Alexandria….hey!
Greggy Jones: Let’s go outside! We can have our own ceremony, you know, for Vincent.
Opens his jacket and reveals a bottle of Liquor of some sort.
It was his favorite!
Alexandria: If Sydney sees you with that, she will kill you.
Greggy Jones: I know! That’s why we should leave!
Greggy Jones: You and I both know that Vincent wouldn’t have wanted this. C’mon! Lets go.
Greggy Jones and Alexandria exit the stage and lights go black.